Being the good dogs that we are (in spite of our cruel master’s slanders), we want to help out around the house whenever possible. But we find that often challenging because we do not understand human reasoning. In fact, humans seem, more often than not, to be, well, fools.

Let’s give you an example. Our master was getting ready to visit a friend where he was going to cut up some firewood with an electric chain saw. We thought we might help, so we took a look at the saw to see how it works and to understand how we could use it. But we were stopped in our tracks by the warning label on the saw. It said, “Never use near any electrical source or wires.” Now, because this is an electric chain saw that must be plugged into an electrical source by means of wires (an extension cord), we thought that this warning label must have been written during the waning minutes of happy hour at some questionable establishment by an even more questionable human.

But we thought, “Maybe this is an anomaly, and there really are rational instructions for using the saw.” So we decided to look at the instruction manual. There were many warnings about death by electrocution, and many others that make us wonder about humans. “Keep all parts of your body away from the saw chain when the unit is running.” So much for humans calling us “dumb animals.” If they need this kind of warning, perhaps they shouldn’t be using a chain saw at all.

Then there were some “Oh, yeah, right” statements that made us wonder even more. “Inspect extension cords periodically, and if damaged, have repaired by a licensed electrician.” So, if our $14.95 extension cord is damaged (master has cut more than one in half), we should hire an electrician, who charges $85 an hour, to fix it for us.

“Always be aware of what you are doing when using the chain saw.” This makes sense to tell the people who need to be told to keep their body parts away from the moving saw blade. “Well, I declare, Fred. Am I using a chain saw right now or eating ice cream?”

“Always maintain a proper stance.” We do that already, and we’ve never used a chain saw.

“Do not use chain saw if switch does not turn it on and off.” Well, if the switch doesn’t turn it on, I guess we won’t use it.

In spite of these crazed instructions, we were ready to take saw in paw and help cut down some trees. But then we saw the warnings, “Do not operate a chain saw in a tree, on a ladder, or on a scaffold,” and “If the limbs to be pruned are above chest height, hire a professional to perform the pruning.” Since every limb that can be cut is above our chest height, we thought we’d better choose another way to help out.

Maybe we should write Operator’s Manuals.